


Someday

by CaptainErica



Category: Big Bang (Band), K-pop
Genre: M/M, Unrequited Crush, sundae
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-11
Updated: 2018-01-11
Packaged: 2019-03-03 09:05:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,921
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13337970
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CaptainErica/pseuds/CaptainErica
Summary: Someday Daesung might be able to ignore this crush so completely that it stops existing, and someday maybe he'll be able to pretend it never happened, and someday maybe it will all have just been a super silly dream. But it's not.





	Someday

“Is this normal?” Daesung asks, and there’s no response, but honestly he shouldn’t have expected on: he’s alone.

It can’t possibly be normal, though, how happy he feels when Youngbae even so much as _looks_ at him. It’s ludicrous, the way his whole body feels light and airy and tinglingly warm when he’s around him. It’s too much to bear, really, he shouldn’t have to, honestly… maybe he’s sick? Maybe he’s actually allergic to Youngbae and that’s where…

But Daesung knows that’s not the case, just like he knows that he’s got to get through this feeling. He’s got to work through it because…

Because they’re just starting out, he’s young, he’ll… he’ll have other crushes, he’ll meet other people. He can move on from this he just has to get through _now._

But now is so _hard_ because they all share an apartment, basically share a bed, and Youngbae is so nice to him, so caring and giving and. . .

It’s embarrassing, he has to work through it. He’ll be fine when they’re not living together. He can push through _this_ because once they actually start to succeed they’ll be able to afford separate rooms, and eventually separate apartments. _Or, or maybe Youngbae could like you as well?_

Daesung groans and sits heavily on the edge of the couch, dropping his head into his hands. That was exactly the _wrong_ sort of thinking for right now. He was making up his mind, he was going to ignore the weird attraction he had for Youngbae…

“You okay, Dae?” A soft voice asks from just behind him, and Daesung squeezes his eyes tighter as his stomach does an excited flip; _Youngbae_.

“Yeah, I’m just…”

Youngbae comes and sits down next to him, hair crazy and messy, and he’d clearly just had his braids undone. “Ji said you’ve got a crush on someone?” He asks, hand dropping to Daesung’s knee and _god_ …

He pulls in a sharp breath, which thankfully Youngbae takes to mean that he’s upset that Jiyong had said something, whispering something commiserating and understanding sounding. “It’s just… ah, I dunno.” He says, pulling his head out of his hands so he can shake it.

Youngbae makes a little sound, squeezes Daesung’s knee then lets go. “I don’t know much about the situation, and you don’t have to tell me if you’re not ready, but…”

But clearly it sounded like a _bad_ thing that he had this crush, which it really is. Youngbae has a way of making Daesung talk, though, and so he can’t help himself when he starts. “I just… I know they don’t like me, couldn’t, but… and I wonder if maybe it’s just that this is the first time I’ve been near someone like this? Or, or gotten this type of, of attention from someone?” He says, quiet, and he desperately hopes that’s vague enough that Youngbae won’t try to figure out who it is.

Youngbae is quiet for a moment though, thoughtful, and Daesung worries…

“Maybe, but maybe you do actually like them, and it’s not a bad thing, right?” He asks, and it _is_ a bad thing, but…

“No, I guess you’re right.” Daesung says, nodding a little. “Because even if, even if they don’t like me like I like them… I can get over it, right?”

Youngbae nods, though Daesung knows he has no more experience or understanding than him.

“And it won’t change anything.” He says, and Youngbae smiles softly, that look on his face like he’s proud and Daesung feels his heart skip a beat even as his stomach turns to a solid, dead weight.

Because Youngbae doesn’t like him in that way, and he’ll have to get through it, somehow.

~

Daesung’s first girlfriend is too short, which is funny given his preferences, but she’s also too _a lot of things_ and breaking it off with her is polite. Jiyong gives him a couple of sad looks, and Seunghyun is nicer to him for a few days (he’s never _not_ nice to him though, so it’s just… more), Seungri doesn’t notice, and Youngbae…

Youngbae asks him how he’s feeling, if he’s okay with how it happened, if there was anything that could have made it work and Daesung eventually has to stop him.

“Hyung, she just wasn’t right.” He says, and this is clearly a little foreign to Youngbae, but Youngbae doesn’t _know_ so he can’t expect him to get it.

His next few girlfriends also aren’t right, they last even less time than the first, and no one except _maybe_ Seungri knows about any of them. They never _will_ be right, though, because just when Daesung thinks (3 years on, finally out of the dorm…) that he’ll have moved on, he rounds a corner and Youngbae is dancing by himself while everyone else stretches, or he’s making sure everyone has eaten, or, or, or…

The list goes on, anything that Youngbae does, if he’s caught off guard, if he’s been drinking too much (after parties are the _worst_ ) become prime times for his mind to remember how attractive it finds Youngbae, and how sweet, and kind, and kissable and….

When he’s in the hospital he doesn’t want to see anyone, doesn’t want anyone’s comfort, not for a little while (he does though, desperately, madly, wants that reassurance), but he gets it. He gets cards and letters and flowers and then worse things, horrible things, but…

But Youngbae talks to him, prays with him, for him, helps him… And he hates this. Hates this almost more than he hates his current situation because Jiyong and Seungri and Seunghyun all do things for him, all talk sweetly, wish him well, do their own part to make him feel better; but it doesn’t make his heart skip a beat, or his breath hitch when they do it.

Daesung had hoped that the trauma experienced would knock the _want_ out of him, but it didn’t. He was able to cover it more, forgot it more often than any time before, but it was a hollow victory because it came back forcefully after their album came out, when he’d started to feel real again, _alive_ again.

Youngbae was new, different, more carefree. It was the same Youngbae he’d always known but there was another layer there, a much more _open_ layer, and it was enticing in a completely new way. It took the fact that they lived separately to deal with it, the fact that they didn’t have to share a single hotel room…

~

“I dunno, Dae, I don’t think you’re going to find what you’re looking for in these girls you date.” Jiyong says, truthful, looking down. Sometimes Daesung thinks Jiyong understands on a deeper level than he lets on, and that makes him hurt for Jiyong as much as he does for himself.

“What do you mean?”

Jiyong is quiet, picking at his food, staring at it. “You pick people who are completely opposite to him, and then compare them to him until you can’t stand it anymore.” He says after a moment, and the picking becomes a little violent for a moment before calming again.

This, Daesung can tell, isn’t Jiyong projecting, so he’s able to wallow a little. “But if I pick girls _like him_ then I would still be comparing them to him, just…”

Jiyong shakes his head, finally bringing a bite to his lips, “The problem now is that you’re ignoring what you _actually like_ in favor of trying to drown it out, thinking it will help.” He swallows, shakes his head, waving his chopsticks in Daesung’s face. “It doesn’t, though, it just reminds you about all the things you _like_ about him that this _person_ doesn’t have, and then…”

“And then I am reminded of how much I like _him_ , yeah, I get it.” Daesung says, and sighs, running a hand over his face. “I don’t know how to go about this, though.” He says, almost a pout.

“Try only hitting on girls you think are attractive.” Jiyong says, shaking his chopsticks at him again, Daesung almost protests but Jiyong raises an eyebrow. “You got rid of the last what, three or four because they were-“ he changes his grip on his chopsticks and holds up his fingers “too short, too tall, hair was too long, eyes were too big, and I think that one girl wasn’t _broad_ enough, and I still don’t know what you meant by that.”

Daesung has the decency to blush, looking down and away, his own food mostly untouched. “It sounds really stupidly easy when you say it like that.”

Jiyong shrugs. “Maybe it’s exactly that.” He says, “Or maybe we’ve gotta find a way for you to stop thinking about it, overthinking the relationship but… that’s harder.”

Daesung chuckles, shaking his head and then sighing. “Ah, you’re right, I know.” He sighs and honestly he hadn’t expected a truly helpful answer anyway.

~

Daesung doesn’t stop, and it’s so obvious to all of them that when they’re doing press for MADE they tease him on camera about being a playboy. Jiyong can’t help him, and somehow Daesung knew he never would be able to (he’s in the same boat as you, isn’t he? You can see it in his eyes). It’s almost more painful that Youngbae _wants_ to help him, and he doesn’t know how to get out of it except to evade, laugh it off, and push Seungri’s abysmal love life in his direction.

“I’m fine, hyung, I’ll find someone.”

Youngbae gives him a look, arms crossed over his chest, feet planted, immoveable (where was Jiyong when he was needed?). “You’ve _found_ a lot of people. Are you really happy like this?”

No, no of course he wasn’t, but what was he supposed to say to that? “I’m not unhappy, hyung, I’m fine, I just haven’t found the right person yet…”

“It’s the same person, isn’t it?” Youngbae asks, and Daesung blinks, confused, not certain where Youngbae is going with this. “From years ago, you told me about them…”

“Oh, it’s…” and Daesung almost says ‘oh _him_ ’ but he only just catches himself, nodding instead, then shaking his head and blushing. “I, no, I-I’ve moved…”

But Youngbae has caught him, now, doesn’t believe him and definitely won’t unless he can prove otherwise. “You haven’t, and Daesung, that’s okay.” He says, and it definitely _isn’t_ okay, but he can’t tell Youngbae that _now._ “But we’ll find you someone better, _you’ll_ find someone better, because you deserve someone who loves you just as much as you’re capable of loving them. Whoever this other person is… she’s missing out.”

Daesung’s face only twitches a little at that, and he’s caught, face possibly a strange mixture of anxiety and understanding, and he nods. “I can only hope they feel that way as well.” He says, soft and looking down just a little, and he’s saved from the potential hand to his shoulder by Jiyong swooping in; too late but just in time.

He can’t keep telling himself he’ll get over this in time, he knows, because he’s had time; 10 years of it. His feelings aren’t going anywhere and maybe it’s because they’re real, and maybe it’s because by not accepting them he gave them room to grow… he doesn’t know. But maybe he’ll get there.

Jiyong winks at him and drags Youngbae off, arm around Youngbae’s shoulders, and Daesung’s lips twitch up despite himself as he watches them go; maybe those feelings will always be there, but…

**Author's Note:**

> I meant to write a happy, fluffy, but then I remembered /i'm here to cause pain and suffering/.  
> jk, I'm horrible at sads I'm going to write a happy sundae to make up for this one I promise.


End file.
